Found.

From my former, wistful, girly blog:

Detach and Release

This is a Contest.

There are only two competitive structures:

1. Who can care less?
2. Who can let go first?

Contestant number one, through years of intensive training, is leading the pack and dominating in the first structure of the game. She is, however, at the ready to win the second competition should it come down to the wire and is determined to stay in until the last second before ducking out and remaining victorious with an intact and still-beating heart.

Contestant number two will never know what hit him.

*****
It is a simple thing, this thing that's happening, and yet she can't quash the cuteness, the quietness of the act -- she can't stomach the full enjoyment of it in case of its inevitable leave from her.

And he questions her, "You mean you've never..." and she says, 'no' and leaves it at that; thinking back on if there was ever anyone who tempted her or made her wish for a closeness that wasn't there. This isn't about sex, but intimacy; she had learned long ago, when hearts were only imaginarily broken by unrequited crushes, that her unbridled heart must be tamed. That the quiet simple acts -- when shunned or taken away -- are the real moments which injure the soul if it is not tucked away carefully, oh-so-carefully, and can irreparably tear everything apart. Wildness can be broken and, once she has tamed her heart, she can wile away the time wisting away for those once-true moments from a safer distance. Those moments long gone and learning to be no longer desired.

She thinks of the parts of herself that are hidden away that she once gave freely and wonders what this means for her future. Not their future, per se, but her own outlook on love and where her experiences will take her and lead. She relaxes and gives into the smiles and the gleam in her eyes, but feels a shadow in the back of her mind that allows her room to recoil and retreat. It is then that you notice the sadness at the helm of the ship -- if you pause and look -- something he sees sometimes but doesn't understand and lets slip away with a singular 'no' and a look that begs not to be questioned.

*****

I could post something nicer and non-heavy, but it's Monday and I feel like it.

You Know You're Not Having a Good Day When..

you're absolutely convinced that this doll can make everything seem better.

Despite the fact that you are 24-years-old and no longer living at your parents house.

How Can I Not?

I know. I should resist. I can't.

A friend of mine was saying that he doesn't normally take such glee at another's misfortune but something about this whole Paris thing that is just so darn satisfying. And I agree. However, I think after this whole thing with prison, etc. there's just no point to Paris news anymore.

Y'know. Unless she dangles a baby off a balcony or something.

As a journalism major, there's definitely been a lot lacking in news and media. When I was younger, I wanted to write for magazines like Us (when it was actually good, probably circa 1991-3), Vanity Fair, Premiere Magazine, etc. At the time, I felt that politics and world news were not for me -- my frustrations with our government and world politics had taken me to the point where I figured that since that part of journalism was covered, why not write about something more carefree and fun?

Since graduating from high school, so many things have changed. We have entered into war, elected an idiot as President and have fed the Paparazzi machine to where I am ashamed to have it associated with something I am considering doing as a living -- journalism. I'm finding the news lackluster and limited in its view. Each morning I would check in on sfgate.com to check out the local news but I am missing out on so much more in terms of world news. Did anyone realize that there were mudslides in Bangladesh that killed 79 people? Or that Chinese hospitals have been using fake protein drips for their patients? If you were only paying attention to the San Francisco Chronicle, you wouldn't know about these things at all.

I have finally decided that my self-imposed apathy (save for voting and recycling) has to come to an end at some point. I wasn't apathetic by nature but became so because sometimes I am too sympathetic for my own good. I have finally switched over to getting my news from the BBC (still somewhat biased, but at least more globally based) with an occasional glance-through at sfgate.com and sfist.com. I want to get started on doing something I can call useful and worthwhile and I'm trying to figure out a way to incorporate the things I love to do ( writing, film, photography) with something I have been trying to forget and put aside (my humanity and sympathy). And I'm hoping I'll find it soon.



SF Gate
SFist
BBC News
one more. it's a funny/ironic one, I promise: Jezebel on Paris

The Deal(io).

So I'm trying out this whole internet integration thing as a way, I suppose, to drum up some writing gigs and (possibly) some photog gigs -- if my photography progresses. I've been picking up the camera a lot lately while the bf's gone and it's been fun exploring San Francisco and shooting the tiny, random, and beautiful things I find. Currently, I have my first roll of film at the the photo place and I am curious to see how my consciously photographed photos turned out. By "consciously" I mean that I actually paid attention to framing, composition, colors, aperture, sunlight, film speed, etc as opposed to leaving everything automatic and digital. I am trying to develop (haha! lame joke) my skills for later translation into my films and writing.

One opportunity has recently rolled in my e-mail box that I'm hoping to take advantage of soon enough. And, surprise surprise! this job does not take place on the internet. It is an opportunity to start writing for a local paper to get some experience. Unfortunately, the whole applying for an internship thing hasn't been working out too hot, but I suppose this could be the same type of thing. I'm excited for the meeting next week and can't wait to get cracking. In the meantime, I have to continue writing for Gridskipper again and see if I can up my posts to three (maybe four) a week. Okay, probably three. Or, two. At least two.

Well, shit. I know I have to guarantee at least one post. Augh. Note to self: must aim for three. Or four. Gah!

Right now, however, I'm just trying to take enough pictures to make the blogging thing interesting. Instead of stealing (ahem, borrowing and crediting) all of my pics from other Flickr users I'm hoping to take all the pictures on my own and see my progress. We'll see how this goes. Maybe I'll start taking photos for my Gridskipper posts. The possibilities are endless. This integration thing is awesome (despite my earlier resistance).

Working on it.

Working on a few new posts, but I did add some bright and shiny new links to your right.






Well do ya, do ya, do ya wanna?
You're lucky, lucky, you're so lucky.