Breaking Old Habits, Starting New Ones

Have you ever felt your life spinning out of control, but when trying to figure out why you can't really pinpoint it? The stress really just becoming an amalgamation of deadlines, problems and annoyances that have no start or finish? The usual routine of separating out and troubleshooting every problem becoming near impossible?

That's how it's been lately. It's this feeling that suffering doesn't have to be this total, but I'm making it worse. I had a little retail therapy followed by cleaning therapy, which has helped somewhat. Cleaning in your new black hoodie can do wonders. But now I'm looking for another vent and Blogger was sitting here, and now I'm writing. Give me some time and stress and procrastination will provide a new post.

I've been reaching boiling point and I know the bf feels the same way this week too. Last week was my D-day and I turned in my Berkeley applications for graduate school. Although I thought I was moving towards the deadline at a good pace, writing my essays and preparing letters of recommendation, I still found myself staying up until 4 AM in the morning writing every day the week prior to the due date. Everything I wrote seemed corny, but how else is one supposed to seriously answer questions about what life experiences qualify you for Berkeley? In 700 words or less, how can you sell yourself into being the most viable candidate? Anything short of writing out my essay in blood seemed in order. But I "survived" and now I am looking forward to (ha!) preparing my other applications for the other schools.

So, like a dumb shit, I thought that the weekend after my application was due would be the perfect time to schedule in something fun: scuba diving lessons. Uhh, I don't think so. Imagine a 9 AM - 6 PM class consisting of 3 hours in a classroom and five hours in a pool wearing 6 mm thick wet suits with breathing equipment, ginormous tanks of air and a completely different vocab revolving around breathing underwater? The classroom lessons scaring you enough to have thoughts of "decompression sickness" or "the bends" running through your head as you ascend from the surface to the bottom of the pool we were learning from. Don't descend too fast, don't ascend fast either. Equalize your ears. Keep track of your air. Learn new hand signals. What's the hand signal for being out of air? Hands crossed over your chest, fake wrapped around your throat as you pretend to gag and kick about? No? You want me to "rescue" my 6 foot boyfriend and pull both of us across the pool? Sure. You want to follow that up with a full week of writing deadlines and class deadlines with no room to rest? Why not?

So, beyond the stuff that's going on, what's the old habit I broke? My cell phone. Yes, ladies and gentleman I have broken my cell phone and therefore sent myself on a one-way wagon to Amishville. It's so weird to not have a phone that I swear I'm hearing phantom phone rings while driving my car or when alone in my apartment. My left pants pocket still feels like I have a cell phone sitting in it. I am in fucking withdrawal, people. So much so that I have squirreled away most of my day on the internet checking my Facebook and Gridskipper like a fiend. It's the cell phone oversensitivity that is really making me question the necessity of having a phone in the first place. I'm actually considering getting only a Firefly phone [google it, I'm too lazy to put in a link] for emergency use and nothing else. I have an apartment phone, that should be enough yeah? Le sigh.

As for the new habit? I've re-started smoking. I had occasional cigarettes before, but now I have a complete pack that I am just blowing straight through. When I'm walking, I have a cigarette. Stressed, I have a cigarette. If I need a break, I have a cigarette. Stepping outside for some gum just isn't the same. Augh. I need some healthier habits.